4 Years Ago, I Tried Shock Therapy
Here’s What Happened
anime picture of a woman’s head being struck with flashes of lightning
Talking about mental health is difficult. Sometimes it can feel like you’re shouting into a void because nobody understands what you’re going through.
Modern society has made amazing strides in the past few decades, and mental healthcare has come a long way.
When I was in high school, there was so much stigma around mental health and being vulnerable.
Don’t get me wrong—there’s still a stigma around them, but it’s way better than it was a decade or two ago.
In high school, I faced pretty severe depression.
I struggled with depression for over fifteen years, and at some points it was so debilitating that I could barely get out of my bed.
If I wasn’t crying myself to sleep, I was blocking out the outside world in any way possible.
Life was hard, and I felt misunderstood.
Have you ever felt like you’re constantly tiptoeing around and can never be yourself?
Nobody talked openly about their mental health. There were these unspoken guidelines about what would happen if you did talk about your mental health.
Mental health wasn’t taken seriously. When I tried to reach out to people and talk about what was happening, they told me I was hard to be around.
I was too depressing for them to handle, so I learned to hide it.
Instead of talking about it, I turned inwards. I shut my feelings down and locked them in a box far away from anyone else. I repressed the hell out of my feelings and experiences.
There was no good ending waiting for me.
Then, this nasty thing happened in 2020.
We all got locked away in our own homes. Unable to interact with the outside world, we collectively experienced huge isolation. It was miserable.
I was miserable.
At the end of 2020, I was exhausted. I was done hiding every single part of me away.
I was so over my depression. Well, at least I wanted to be.
Unfortunately, the universe was not done with me.
Around December, I was determined to do something different for myself. I didn’t want to hide myself - I wanted to show up.
So there I was, lying in my bed at home, texting my sister.
I hadn’t slept in three days, and my mental state was deteriorating rapidly.
Before I even knew what was happening, my mom and my sister had my ass in the car and we were going somewhere - more specifically, the hospital.
I was experiencing psychosis and needed intervention.
I was out of my mind. Running down the hallways, screaming weird shit at the top of my lungs, and banging on doors.
The next few days were blurry at best. I didn’t really know what was going on.
It was like watching TV—I could see things happening around me and things I was doing, but I was not myself.
It took another few days before I reclaimed conscious awareness, and even then, I was overmedicated.
Within 3 months, I was inpatient on four separate occasions.
It took four inpatient stays in two different hospitals before any doctor paid attention to what was going on inside my head.
My mom and I were so done with the rotating doctors.
I saw a new doctor every day while I was an inpatient, and they were constantly changing which medications I took.
Nobody understood what was going on.
So, when I joined the outpatient program, I saw yet another new doctor. To say the least, I was annoyed about this.
But the world is weird.
This doctor looked at me, then looked at my chart. She noticed I had asked about electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). If you don’t know what this is, it’s when you’re put under anesthesia, and small electrical currents are sent to your brain.
ECT can be beneficial for people who experience:
Severe depression
Treatment-resistant depression
Severe mania
Catatonia
Agitation and aggression in people with dementia
The doctor told me she was a visiting doctor from another city, about two hours away. At her regular hospital, she worked in the ECT department. She told me I was a good candidate for the procedure.
My mom and I went to a consultation, and I started treatment sessions right away.
For two months, three times a week, my mom and sister took turns driving me down to her hospital to get my brain shocked.
By the time the sessions ended, my life would be forever changed.
Shock therapy (ECT) ended my psychosis and significantly altered my depression when it felt like nothing else was working.
There was still work that needed to be done and managed - I would begin seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist.
Therapy required honesty and following through on work outside of our sessions.
I had difficulty with anxiety, and getting my medication sorted out took months.
It was a long road, and it was not easy.
But had I not gone through it, I wouldn’t be here.
I’m not “cured,” but I no longer feel the gigantic heaviness that used to bear down on my shoulders.
Instead, I feel lighter and freer.
For my entire life, depression felt like a crushing weight, but ECT gave me lasting relief when medication and therapy alone failed.
Healing isn’t linear and rarely looks how we expect, but it is possible. If you’re still fighting, keep going. You’re not alone.
Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional; this is not medical advice. As a mental health advocate and writer, I share my experiences to raise awareness.
If you’re struggling, don't hesitate to contact a licensed professional or call/text 988 for support.
