How to Emotionally Reconnect When You’re Feeling Alone
You won’t feel close to anyone if you’re not willing to be vulnerable.
Photo by Jorge Saavedra on Unsplash
You don’t remember the last time you spoke to a person. You barely remember the sound of your own voice. You feel like a mute. The emptiness weighs on you.
More than anything, you feel the crushing weight of feeling lonely. You want, no you need, to feel connected to humanity again. So, what do you do?
Pick Your Person
You want to talk to someone you trust and feel comfortable expressing yourself to them. You could speak with a close confidante or someone a bit more removed, like a mentor figure or someone you admire. If you can, speak to someone you know who has gone through the same thing.
Whenever I’m struggling, I like to call up my sister or cousin. Talking with them always makes me feel better.
The benefit of a mentor figure is they aren’t deeply intertwined in your personal life. That gives you more freedom to express yourself without fear of hurting someone’s feelings or of it getting back to them.
Figure out if you can talk to them in person, call them, or facetime. You can text, but it won’t be as effective as having someone’s undivided attention on you.
Once you‘ve decided who to connect with, set up a time to chat with them. If it’s urgent, let them know. Otherwise, set up a time that works for both of you.
Set the Scene
If you’re meeting someone in person, ask them to go somewhere quiet and comfortable. If there’s a place you have in mind, suggest that. It’ll be hard to connect with someone in loud settings, like bars, or where there are many people around who might overhear.
If discretion is important to you, consider setting the tone. They might have an office you can go to or you have a favorite café you visit.
Try to minimize distractions where possible. Ask them to put their phone on silent, or if that’s not an option, ask them to at least put it away. Research shows that the presence of phones impairs the likelihood of connection.
If there’s something you’re looking for, let them know. Are you looking for someone to listen to? Do you need validation? Do you want advice?
People can’t read your mind. You have to tell them what you need.
Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash
Making the Connection
The trick to emotionally connecting is to ask deep questions. Small talk is boring and you’re not going to feel any closer talking about it. If you go out and spend the entire time on surface-level talk, you’ll come out of it feeling discouraged. You risk feeling worse than before.
One of my favorite concepts is big talk. You ask people deeper questions about their life. I’m not talking about their bank accounts or sexual relations.
You ask meaningful questions. Questions that make people think, that allow you to know them on a deeper level.
Listening to others talk about their lives can be more conducive to feeling emotionally closer than talking about yourself. You might also feel uncomfortable talking about yourself.
This presents the perfect opportunity to ask somebody about themselves. People like to talk about themselves, so let them.
You can google questions or come up with your own. There are even card games designed to help you deepen your relationships with people.
Some of my favorite questions to ask people are:
What are you most afraid of?
What are you passionate about?
What makes you feel really alive?
What do you regret doing/not doing?
What do you want to do before you die?
What don’t you spend enough time doing?
What would constitute a ‘perfect’ day for you?
What do you want to accomplish in the next five years?
What were you doing the last time you lost track of time?
If you knew you were going to die tomorrow, what would you want to do today?
It might feel awkward asking the questions, but most people will answer them.
Ask them what’s going on in their lives. Ask them what they like to do for fun or what they’re looking forward to.
If you’re ready to open up, then it’s time to take the gloves off. It can be therapeutic to talk about your feelings and experiences. That’s why talk therapy is powerful.
Use a framework to talk about your experiences. My therapist gave me this framework to talk about my emotions:
I feel (insert emotion) when (event occurs) because (explanation).
It’s okay if you don’t want to be that open. Nobody is forcing you to open up. Some of your loneliness may be because you’ve bottled up your emotions, and you need to let them out. If you’re not ready to talk about it, try journaling instead.
Final Thoughts
Emotionally connecting with people is hard because it requires a level of vulnerability. But vulnerability is how you connect with others. You won’t feel close to anyone if you’re not willing to be vulnerable.
Not everyone is suited to have vulnerable conversations. There’s a group of people who would rather stuff their emotions down rather than talk about them. All this does is fill you up with stress and depression. Don’t let that be you.
Most people are willing to talk. It’s the human experience that we like to connect with each other. When you’re willing to be open, you can make amazing connections.
Find someone you’d like to know better or someone you love. Talk to them. You’ll tell each other about your lives and walk away feeling the love.
I tell stories and give advice to those battling depression, anxiety, insecurity, and low-self esteem. Join my email list here.
