How to Show Yourself Compassion (Even When You Want to Cry)
It’s so easy to overload yourself.
Photo by Engin Akyurt: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-holding-heart-shaped-cut-out-1820525/
When was the last time you told yourself, “I love you”? So often, you slip into self-loathing. The words “I love myself” are like a foreign concept. Way more often, you delve into the “I hate myself” category.
You’ll make internal notes about everything you hate about yourself. But what if it were the opposite? Imagine having a list full of all the things you love about yourself.
Imagine what it would feel like to love and have compassion for yourself. Whenever you’re feeling down or need a pick me up, here are some things you can do.
Repeat Stuff
Listen to how you’re talking to yourself for a minute. Would you say those things to your best friend? Even better, would you say that to your 7-year-old self?
Your 7-year-old self would hate being treated that way. She would hate you for treating her badly. You would make yourself cry.
Treating yourself as your best friend takes time.
Start by keeping small promises to yourself. It doesn’t matter what the promise is, but it shouldn’t take more than five minutes.
You may choose to
Read a page out of a book
Walk around the block
Eat some fruit or veggies
Drink a glass of water
Take deep breaths
Doodle
Repeat your promise to yourself daily. It matters that you show up for yourself, even in the smallest ways.
Repetition is key. The more you do something, the more you’ll grow to love and trust yourself.
Pay attention to your self-talk and inner dialogue. It’s easy to let negative thoughts slip through the cracks. You don’t think anything of it — you’re so used to them now. But if you let the negativity through, you’re making yourself vulnerable.
When you hear yourself say (or think) something negative, become aware of it. Recognize harmful thoughts. They won’t disappear immediately. The goal is to train yourself out of the negative response pattern.
Instead of letting the negativity get to you, reframe your thoughts to be positive. It’s okay to be real with yourself.
I’m such an idiot! Becomes I’m learning every day.
Affirmations are an excellent tool for your inner dialogue. Repeat them to yourself, in your head, or to the mirror. It’s weird getting used to it, but you’ll be surprised by what repetition does for you.
You're rewiring your brain when you try to repeat your affirmations and small promises. Slowly but surely, you’ll start to believe in yourself.
L — O — V — E
Love can be a wonderful thing when handled correctly. Here’s how you can use love to your advantage.
According to author Gary Chapman, there are five love languages:
Gifts
Quality time
Acts of service
Physical touch
Words of affirmations
Everybody expresses and receives love through one of these languages. If you can’t tell which is your love language, you can go to the website and take the quiz yourself.
Find out which language you receive love in. Sometimes the language you receive your love in differs from the one you give love in. You’re going to use that to your advantage.
Once you know how you receive love, you will use your newfound knowledge and love language on yourself.
If you receive love through quality time, this may look like taking yourself out on solo dates. Take time out for that new hobby you want to try. Make use of morning or evening routines. It could also mean setting boundaries for yourself or going out and trying new things.
Here are some examples for the others:
Physical affection: hug yourself, get a massage, or take a bath
Gifts: yes, you can buy yourself gifts. But you can also make breakfast or write and send letters to yourself.
Words of affirmation: try mirror work, gratitude journaling, or write a list of things you love about yourself every day.
Acts of service: put in the time to clean up, meal prep, or do anything that would take the burden off what you’ve been worrying about, something your future self would thank you for.
Make quality time for yourself and show love with your actions, using the love languages that mean the most. Let yourself receive the love. Slowly, the shift will occur where you start to feel love and compassion.
Photo by Atikh Bana on Unsplash
The Other Side
When you feel stuck, try flipping your situation on its head or see it from a different vantage point. You’ll see something in a way you didn’t before, and it reframes your reaction.
When you’re feeling all downtrodden and glum, you can use perspective to reframe it.
Viktor Frankl talks about this in his worldwide bestselling novel, Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl says,
“In some way, suffering ceases to be suffering at the moment it finds a meaning.”
Meaning you can transform your suffering. If you can find meaning in your suffering, it’s no longer suffering.
Sit down and consider what it is you want to heal. Ask the question:
How can I turn the worst thing that ever happened to me into the best thing that ever happened to me? Be practical.
Going crazy and landing in the mental hospital was the worst thing that ever happened to me. But without it, I never would’ve received ECT. I never would’ve started writing.
I would never have written my book if I hadn’t gone through that experience.
I’m so happy with where I am today, and I don’t know if I would be here if it weren’t for the mental hospital.
Your Reality
Finally, one of the things to be aware of is just because you feel down does not mean that’s who you are. Something weird happens when you stay in this chronic state of fatigue and depression. It becomes who you are.
You start to identify as depressed as if that’s your entire identity. It’s not. You’re more than whatever it is you’re going through. You are not your thoughts or feelings.
Yet often, that’s how you identify yourself. And when that happens, you’re put in a precarious position. Anything contradictory to that identity is a threat. You fight to preserve the identity you’re attached to. So, if you’re attached to depression, happiness is a threat.
Tell yourself a different story. Tell yourself that you are not your depression. Detach from the narrative that’s keeping you stuck.
Final Thoughts
Just because you’re in a bad spot now doesn’t mean it will stay that way. Just because you’re sad now doesn’t mean you won’t be happy again. Remember that pain is temporary. All of life is.
Nothing can last forever. As long as you keep getting through the moment, you will be okay.
Ready to level yourself up and become the best version of yourself? Download my free journaling guide now.
Maggie Kelly is a freelance writer who writes about mental health, self-help, and psychology. Contact at maggiepkelly@gmail.com
