How to Put Yourself First: Thoughts From a Reformed People Pleaser

I was clearing the dishes at my grandpa’s house. My sister and I were visiting for a week to see him. She passed me in the kitchen and I half-jokingly said, “Anything to be useful, right?”

I was referring to the need to cater to other people and do things to gain brownie points. But it wasn’t really a joke.

Everyone feels the need to please people to a degree. It’s when it gets in the way of yourself that’s harmful. And everybody’s motivation is different.

I like to keep my inner peace. It’s what keeps me a rather chill person. I go with the flow and want to do what’s easiest for others. I give up my own wants and needs to meet others.

Your Purpose in Life

Believe it or not, your purpose is not to serve others. Purpose has become something everyone must have. You must have some purpose in life, otherwise, what’s the point? Whether your purpose is to create art or be a civil servant, you need something.

Revolutionary idea here: what if your purpose was just to be? No ulterior motives or TK. Your purpose on Earth is to live and enjoy your life.

Purpose is what you make of it. It doesn’t have to be a big, shiny diamond in the sky. It can be simple. You can choose to live your life fully and open-heartedly. You get to decide what your purpose is.

It’s possible you decide that serving others is your purpose. Your purpose is to help others, and that’s what makes you feel good in life. That’s fine, as long as you aren’t ignoring your own needs and doing it solely for their benefit.

Serve Yourself First

Let me know if you’ve heard this one before. When something happens on a plane, the oxygen masks drop. Attendants remind you to put on your own mask before you help anyone else.

You can use any metaphor you want here. The point is you can’t pour from an empty cup. You have to fill your cup first.

Once you serve yourself, you can serve others.

When you say yes to others, make sure you arent saying no to yourself. - Paulo Coehlo

Putting Yourself First

Learning how to put yourself first is hard, especially if you’ve never done it before. It feels alien to consider your own wants and needs. The concept that you get to meet those before considering others' wants and needs is crazy.

Let’s go into how you can start putting yourself first.

Quiet Reflection

When you’re trying to figure out what you want, everybody has an opinion. They all want to put in their 2 cents of what they know and expect. Ignore them. Nobody else can tell you what you want.

Find a quiet space where you can reflect and be on your own. Take the time to sit and silence and see what bubbles up. Come prepared with a journal to take notes if you like.

This is uncomfortable. Some people detest being left alone with their thoughts. It’s hard. You will have to face hard truths about yourself.

One of the hardest things I ever had to face was realizing that I didn’t trust myself. I felt unsafe and didn’t trust my body. I have fainting spells. I’ve gotten better at telling when they come on, but it’s not fun to have your body shut down on you, sometimes without notice.

But once you get through the uncomfortable thoughts, it leaves you space for healing. You get to process your thoughts and emotions without any judgment. This is why I recommend doing it in a quiet space away from others. You’ll be free to do the work needed.

You’ll open up in ways you didn’t expect and learn more about yourself. And that’s a magical experience.

Photo by Ismael Sanchez: https://www.pexels.com/photo/shallow-focus-photo-of-woman-s-reflection-on-broken-mirror-2281999/

Take the Small Wins

At first, it’ll be challenging to speak up for what you want. I recommend taking back time throughout the day when you get 5 or 10 minutes to do something meaningful to you. You have to make time for yourself.

Make small promises to yourself every day and keep them. A small promise should be something that helps your future self. You want to do something that will produce good results. This may look like:

journaling for 2–3 pages
drinking a glass of water
listening to music for 10 minutes
going for a walk around the block

Your time is sacred. You have to take it seriously or no one else will.

Putting Up Boundaries

As you do more for yourself, you’ll feel stronger. You can start to put up boundaries with people you trust. Set limits and consequences for what happens when you break them. If there is no consequence, there is no motivation to stop their bad habit.

One of my boundaries is to spend 30 minutes writing uninterrupted, every day. I’ll reconsider the relationship if someone makes a habit of interrupting. The first rule of boundaries is to respect them. That means you too.

If someone crosses a boundary and you don’t enforce the consequence, your boundaries become meaningless. You’ll be giving people a pass to walk all over you.

If your friend is constantly late to your hangouts, you may feel like they don’t respect your time. Have an honest conversation about this, without blaming, and set your expectations. If they’re unwilling to meet your expectations, you have to be willing to walk away from a (potentially) bad relationship.

Final Thoughts

You’re allowed to live your life, on your own terms, for yourself. So long as you aren’t harming or infringing on others’ lives.

You can keep your inner peace without needing to cater to your friend’s and family’s whims. You’re allowed to exist as you wish. Whether you want to frolic in the flowers or volunteer at a youth center, it’s up to you.

That’s really the beauty of life. You get to live your life how you want. You get to make your own choices. You get to put yourself first.

Learn how to put yourself first and don’t let anyone challenge that.

You deserve to be full.