Spilling My Guts: On the Outside Looking In
& The prevailing disease that’s killing me
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
Have you ever hated everything you create?
You look at it and stare in disgust. Your frown is so deep it puts Grumpy Cat to shame. Yeah, I’m right there with you.
For me, it’s writing. I keep starting drafts and never finishing them. They’re all deemed as unacceptable and not good enough.
It’s the ‘not good enough’ that gets me…
Peeling Back the Layers
My greatest fear has always been that I’m not good enough. At what, I’m unsure of. But it’s been my prevailing fear ever since I can remember. Not even bugs, and bugs I’m pretty freaking scared of.
But no. It’s the fear that I can’t stand up and be accepted for who or what I am. Whatever I do is wrong. Whatever I think is wrong. I am wrong.
I don’t like being wrong.
When I write about it, it occurs to me that my fear of not being enough is based in fearing I won’t be accepted for who I am.
I was a shy, no not shy, quiet kid. I kept to myself and I liked it that way. I’ve lived by that standard my entire life, and I’ve been okay with it.
Peering Through the Window
Maybe this fear is rooted in something much deeper than I care to admit. Something so simple as writing openly terrifies me. Penning and publishing a draft that isn’t perfect to a T makes me shake inside.
And it’s not about the work itself. It’s about me and how I’ve defined myself to the world. I feel like an outsider. I always have.
It’s like I’m outside looking in on all my friends, family, and everyone else sitting and laughing around the table. They’re toasting drinks, all jolly, and the snow outside is giving me frostbite.
I’m not inside cozying up by the fire with loved ones. I’m outside in the cold, all alone.
Then, the real truth comes out.
Being Disconnected & Vulnerable
While the other fears are all good and valid, they’re covering up the one deep fear most of us struggle with: loneliness.
Today, over 60% of Americans struggle with feeling lonely. It’s highest in young adults between 18 and 22 years old.
In a world where we’re all so connected to technology, you would think we would feel more connected to each other. Instead, we’re more disconnected than ever.
This loneliness and perceived distance from others is killing us. It’s killing you. It’s killing me.
Sharing My Gratitudes
This fear will not get the best of me. For so long, I felt like the loneliness was going to kill me. I wasn’t sure I was going to make it.
The beautiful thing about writing this is it connects me with you. You’ve entered the depths of my psyche, and you’re still here with me.
I was so afraid of being left out and never being let in. But you changed that. You let me in. You opened the door and welcomed me in with a smile.
Thank you.
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Maggie Kelly is a freelance writer who writes about mental health, self-help, and psychology. Contact at maggiepkelly@gmail.com
