This Is The Hardest Thing I Will Ever Write
The truth is I’m scared.
Being vulnerable is hard.
It makes my heart pound and my chest clench up. Are you really going to put that on the internet, you fool? The words bounce around in my head.
I’ve always struggled with belonging. I’ve always felt like I lived on the outside. Like I was simply a bystander standing on the sidelines.
All I ever wanted was to fit in. I wished for my peers to accept me. I wished I belonged.
But I never felt like I belonged.
Simply writing those words makes me scared. Admitting you’re scared? That’s seen as weakness, but it may be the bravest thing one can ever say.
Writing is one of the hardest things to do, even though I love it with all my heart.
All the top writers tell you to not get too personal. Writing online isn’t supposed to be like writing in a journal. There’s a line.
You have to find the balance between not being overly personal and just personal enough. But sometimes the two start to blend together.
There’s a big part of me that wants to share my story and is ready to share it, but I’m scared shitless. What if it isn’t well-received? What if it isn’t received at all?
I fear not being accepted and people being rude. I fear not being heard and people straight up ignoring me.
I hesitate to write this. I hesitate even more to post this. I’m scared to be vulnerable online for the whole world to see.
You put your heart on the line and allow readers to see the real you, and it’s like you’re feeding yourself to the wolves. You’re exposed. You’re on display.
This was a huge mistake.
I can’t expect writing to provide me with the love I need, but that doesn’t change how deeply personal it can be.
The best I can do is wade through the fear, forge on, and hope for the best.
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