My Dad Died When I Was 21 and I Didn’t Process It for Five Years
I never even got the chance to say goodbye.I was coming home from yoga and called my mom to see if I could pick anything up. Instead of responding, she sobbed. My stomach dropped. It happened.I drove home in shock. Numb. I couldn’t bear the idea of walking in the door and seeing my dad dead.When I got home, the funeral home was already in the driveway. I got inside and there was a room full of people, my dad lying on the stretcher in the middle of it all.They asked me if I would like a private moment to say goodbye. I don’t even remember what I said.I stood there, with an entire room of eyes watching me, saying goodbye to my dead dad.I reached out to touch him, afraid he might crumble to bits. Or maybe I would. His skin was solid as a rock.The funeral home took out his body, which I wouldn’t see except for one more time before he was cremated.
My dad went downhill fast.On a Friday, he was interviewing hospice services.I visited a friend that weekend and my dad was still up, walking around and talking.By the time I was back, three days later, he was bed-bound and could barely speak.Within another day, he stopped speaking completely. My mom could still communicate with him, but all I got were grunts.On Thursday, he was dead.Just like that, he was gone.
Everyone handles grief differently. My mom and sister cried. I was stoic.I didn’t know how to process my feelings, so I didn’t process them at all. I shoved them all in a box, locked them up, and threw away the key.I was 21 when he died.I stayed numb and empty like I was in permanent shock. I never cried.
Five years later, I’m finally coming to terms with it. It’s taken years for me to process and unpack those emotions that I locked up. It’s possible that they contributed to my own downfall.I journaled a lot. I never talked about it except when I was making jokes about having a dead dad.Nobody understands loss like that until they go through it themselves. My friends didn’t understand. They didn’t know how to handle the situation.They didn’t know what to say.I hardly knew what to say. That didn’t change the fact that he was gone. Avoiding the topic wasn’t going to change that fact.
People never know how to deal with loss. They’re afraid to bring it up because it might open wounds, but the wounds were already open.It hurts more to avoid the conversation because then it’s like your loved one didn’t exist at all.You feel like you can’t talk about it because it makes others uncomfortable, despite your own pain.You search for solace but can no longer find it. The person you found it in is gone, and they’re never coming back.
It’s an empty hole in your chest that will never be filled. It never goes away, it never stops hurting.In time, you grow. It’s still there, but the pain isn’t as bad. We grow with our grief.My therapist told me that grief will go on as long as you love the person.So, you may be filled with grief, but you still have the love you had for them.
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