The Art of Wallowing Constructively: How to Complain Properly
The best way to beat your bad feelings
All you wanted to do was complain to your friend.
Now she’s telling you all about how negative you are and berating you for complaining. Stop complaining. There are others who have it worse. Sound familiar?
The Narrative of Complaining
Complaining is generally frowned upon.
Those who complain have “negative energy” and they’re “toxic” to be around. According to society, complainers are whiners and nobody likes a whiner.
Society teaches you to suppress your feelings, particularly negative emotions.
You are encouraged to hide them and pretend they don’t exist. Simply expressing your emotions is seen as complaining.
It does not do well to suppress feelings. You can complain and express your feelings in a healthy way.
It only becomes toxic when it’s done repeatedly with no intention of change.
So if you’re going to complain, you might as well do it right.
Tell the TRUTH
In her book, The Art of Wallowing Constructively, Tina Gilbertson argues that suppressing our negative emotions is bad for you.
If you don’t face them, they will get worse. The only way to beat them is to face them head-on. In other words, feel your feelings.
She gives a step-by-step guide on how to complain the right way.
Tell yourself the situation
Stick to the facts without evaluating them. What happened to make you feel this way?
It’s okay if you don’t know why. Keep it as simple as possible.
Realize what you’re feeling
Identify the emotion(s) you’re feeling right now, at this moment. Whatever you are feeling is valid.
You may benefit from using a feelings chart.
Uncover self-criticism
It’s going to be your instinct to stop feeling, maybe even berate yourself. Instead of internalizing it, be patient with yourself.
Criticizing yourself will only make you feel worse.
Try to understand yourself
Feelings are neutral. Instead of evaluating feelings as good or bad, try to understand them.
Ask yourself why you might feel that way. Find an explanation that makes sense, a cause to say “No wonder I feel this way.”
Go back to the event that started this. Maybe you failed a test or got in a fight with a friend. It would make sense for you to be upset.
This is an important step because it validates the emotion.
Have the feeling
Allow yourself to wallow in your feelings and actually feel them. Experience your feelings and treat yourself with kindness.
Let it Go
According to Harvard brain scientist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, it only takes 90 seconds to identify and feel an emotion. After that, you let it go or let it stew.
This is when most get into trouble.
You don’t want to hold onto bad feelings. That’s why you complain — to get it out. Repressing your feelings won’t end well for anyone.
Complaining gives you relief from your overwhelming emotions. But there is a line where you overdo it.
Give yourself a time frame. Allow yourself to complain as obnoxiously as possible for five minutes. Then, knock it off and get to work.
Final Thoughts
You’re not negative for complaining. You’re human.
You’re going to complain sometimes, and that’s okay. You can feel your emotions without letting them consume you.
Use the TRUTH method to get to the bottom of your feelings and let them out.
You don’t have to let your feelings rule you. You can rule your feelings.
