What to Do When Your Friend Loses a Loved One

How to help a grieving friend

Photo by The Good Funeral Guide on Unsplash

When I was 21, my dad died from a vicious battle with brain cancer. My family didn’t know what to do. We were all in shock.

Worse, our family and friends didn’t know how to help either. My dad’s death signaled the end of many relationships. All because people don’t know how to handle death.

It left us alone in our grief when support was what we needed the most. We needed those relationships but were abandoned in our time of need.

I wanted to share a guide on how to help your friends and family in a time of loss. If you haven’t experienced loss, you should know what it’s like and how to handle it. Loss is never easy, but it’s easier when you have support.

Two Versions of Self

You create two distinct selves whenever you go through a traumatic event like death. You have the person you were before you experienced the event and the person created after the event.

Learning how to grapple with these two people is a challenge.

When a loved one dies, your entire world has stopped. Everybody else goes about life as if nothing has happened. But for you, your world just got flipped on its head.

Grief is not a linear process, and everybody handles grief differently. When you experience a loss, you recognize that nothing in your life will ever be the same. Your future with this person is gone; you must rewrite it.

I had a friend who would close their ears whenever someone talked about death because they couldn’t handle it. I get it. Death is a hard thing to discuss, and it makes people uncomfortable.

You don’t know what to say or do because you don’t want to make the situation worse. You don’t want to hurt your friend more than they already do. But avoiding the topic is the worst thing you can do.

When you avoid the topic, it makes them feel like their person isn’t important. They feel like their person is being erased from history.

So, here are some things you can do to help your friend through the grief process.

The Support Never Stops

At first, grief sucks. Grief always sucks, but when the loss first happens, you fall into numbness and shock. You forget things like eating and taking out the trash. Nothing matters anymore. Every facet of your life has changed.

You’re going to think this is when they need you the most. Their person died, and now they need help. And they do need your help, but that help doesn’t stop.

Understand that life as they know it has changed. Every holiday and anniversary is going to be hard. It’s another reminder that the person is gone.

It sucks around every important holiday and event. Imagine having your birthday or graduation, and your sister isn’t there to see it. Imagine getting married and not having a dad to walk you down the aisle.

These milestones are important to them; they always thought their person would be there. But now they have to adjust to the fact they’re not.

The best thing you can do for your friend is to be there. Show up and support them. It’s important to keep doing this, even when months have passed.

That’s the tricky thing about grief. One day, you could be fine; the next, you’re a pile of tears. It doesn’t matter if it’s been one month or one year.

When you lose someone close, it’s like losing a piece of you. You feel lost. It’s your job as a friend to guide them back to the path.

So, what does that leave you to do?

❌ DON’T

When my dad died, everyone was sympathetic. They said, “Let me know if you need any help!” Of course, we needed help. But when my mom got up the courage to ask the neighbors for assistance with some yard work, they said no.

There shouldn’t be stipulations on your help. Either choose to be there or don’t show up at all.

Avoid saying things like:

“It’s time to move on.”
“I know how you feel.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“Time will help you heal.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Let me know if you need anything.”

✅ DO

When you lose someone, you stop caring for yourself. You don’t know how to anymore. Help them through it.

You’re going to be inclined to ask them, “What can I do?” That’s not a good question. They are not in a place to know what they need. Try to be proactive and do something you deem helpful.

Bring them food
Walk their dog
Take out the trash
Water their plants
Help them with chores

Other Things You Can Do

Different stages of grief may merit different types of help. When the person first dies, you have to deal with the aftermath. It’s overwhelming. Be there with moral support, even financial support, if you can swing it.

Death is expensive. You have to pay for coffins, urns, and funeral arrangements.

It’s an emotionally fraught process. Their brain is mush, and they have no interest in dealing with this. They’re neck-deep in the loss.

Help them navigate the logistics. Help them figure out what arrangements to make. Did the person have a will or estate? These things have to be dealt with.

Any type of help you give them will be appreciated. Death can create financial strain, which may mean they must move. Help them pack and figure out what to move.

Your person still needs to meet their basic needs: food, housing, pets, etc.

Be proactive with your help. When you go to the store or drive-thru, call up your friend and ask them what they want. Say, “I’m bringing you food. Do you want beef or chicken?”

If they have kids or pets, offer to watch them so they can shower or deal with important matters.

Your help matters more than anyone realizes.

The best thing you can do is be there with emotional support. Don’t pretend the deceased person doesn’t exist, and cease talking about them.

Death is the elephant in the room. Remember: someone never forgets the loss. You’re not making it uncomfortable by bringing it up. Often, it can be a relief that you do bring it up.

If they don’t want to talk about the loss, you can sit in silence. If they do want to talk, you have options.
If you have memories of the person, ask if you can share them. Chances are they’ll say yes. People like hearing stories, especially if it’s a happy or funny memory.
Sometimes, they’ll want to cry and talk about it. Let them. You don’t have to do anything. All you need to do is listen and validate.

Offering emotional support can be a huge reprieve and give them a way to process their grief.

Final Thoughts

In conclusion, death is hard, but it’s easier when they have someone to support them. That’s you. You have the magical ability to ease the pain and make them feel less alone.

It really doesn’t matter what you do. It matters that you were there and you did it.

Your support for them means the world. Even if they can’t recognize it right away. You’re not doing it for the recognition. You’re doing it because your friend is in pain, and you hate seeing them hurt.

You have the power to help them. So help.

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Maggie Kelly is a freelance writer who writes about mental health, self-help, and psychology. Contact at maggiepkelly@gmail.com