How to Turn Your Hatred for Humanity Into Empathy for Everyone
Do you really hate people?
I was in therapy recently when I told my therapist, “I hate people.”
She laughed.
I asked her what was so funny and she replied.
“You, and just about every other of my patients, have said the same thing.”
I scowled. I didn’t have the title of hating people, but I didn’t like being compared. I really didn’t like the implication that I might have been wrong.
There are 7 billion people in this world. Every single one of them has an intricate, detailed personal life.
You have one too. It’s filled with your desires and wants. Your fears. Your strengths and weaknesses.
Your life is incredible. To think how detailed and complex it is. Your life is deeply personal to you, as you are the center of your world.
Your lens through which you see the world shows how things affect you and what they do for you.
You’ve got a unique life experience. You’ve gone through certain obstacles in life. You’ve opinions of your own.
Every inch of your life is filled with details specifically pertaining to you.
And so does every other person on the planet.
Nobody is normal
I was talking to one of my friends recently. She was telling me about her ADHD and what it’s like to be aneurotypical. So many people don’t understand it, and they don’t know about it at first glance.
She told me about how she struggled to focus and how it impedes her relationships.
You would never know at first glance. She presents ‘normal’. We use the word ‘normal’ with no real context.
Often, ‘normal’ is this umbrella term used to describe people. It’s not meant as an insult. It’s used to explain the standard you receive when you interact with others.
But normal couldn’t be further from the truth.
People are not standardized or one size fits all.
In truth, every person is as complex as you are. Every person has a story to tell. While some components are shared, there is no story exactly like yours.
Your story is what makes you unique.
Billions of books
People are made up of these stories. Stories of love, hate, war, anger, jealousy. Your story belongs to you. It’s up to you or not whether to share it with the world.
When you open up and share it, it bridges the gap in humanity.
People are hard to hate up close. When you see people up close, you start to see the webs weaved in their life.
You start to see their fears and desires. What they love, what they hate. When you learn someone else’s story, it’s easy to express empathy because you realize how similar we are.
One on one, people feel vulnerable enough to open up to each other. Vulnerability is a strength that connects you to others. It makes you stronger.
You recognize yourself in them.
“Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them, humanity cannot survive.” — Dalai Lama
Get closer.
You do this through conversations, mostly one on one.
Whenever you talk to someone, their answers give you glimpses into their life. Their answers show you what they’re like as a person.
Conversations are sorely underrated.
Too often you’re concerned with what you have to say. You think about how you want to respond. It takes away from the conversation.
When you’re busy thinking about your reaction, you’re not paying attention to what is going on. You’re not listening.
The best conversations are when you put yourself on the back burner and allow the other person to talk.
People can sense if you’re paying attention. When you do, it forms and strengthens your relationships.
It takes the wherewithal to let go of your ego and listen.
https://media.giphy.com/media/3o6ZsXTiY6TzytYUhi/giphy.gif
You’ll be surprised how people will open up when you converse. Everyone likes talking about themselves.
Ask them the questions you’re afraid to ask. Most people are more willing to answer than you think. And if you give them the opportunity to do it, they’ll open up like a book.
Ask them what they’re afraid of. Ask them what they’re thinking about. Ask them about their family.
Be interested in the responses. Ask follow-up questions.
I’ve found that if I’m genuinely asking, I’m genuinely interested in their responses.
My dad died when I was 21. It’s easy to feel alone because none of my friends have lost their parents. But as I’ve talked to strangers, I’ve realized I’m not at all alone. Many people have lost their parents, in tragic ways.
It’s special to connect with people on that visceral level of intimacy.
It’s uncomfortable for people. They fear being vulnerable may come back and bite them in the ass. That by getting close to people, they risk getting hurt.
And that is a risk. But it has to be a risk you’re willing to take. Because the payoff is far greater.
People aren’t all that bad.
After I got a job, I came to realize I like people more than I thought. It took interacting with them and learning their different stories.
Even the people who are hard to get along with have stories. They might not be ready to open up and tell them yet, but they’re there.
Every person has a story to tell. They will share the lessons they’ve learned and the mistakes they made.
They want to share it. It’s how we bond — by sharing our experiences with others.
You will come across thousands of people in your lifetime. Remember every one of them has something to share with you.
And who knows? Maybe you’ll want to share some of yourself too.
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