How to Skip Boring Small Talk and Create Meaningful Conversation Instead
What do you want to do before you die?
Recently, I went on a friend date with a girl I met on Bumble. It was fun and casual. The drinks flowed, and so did our conversation.We made light chitchat about what was going on in our lives and other surface-level pleasantries.It was a pleasant night and a friendly conversation. But at the end of the night, I still felt a little restless and empty.I’m not a big fan of small talk. It’s incessant, boring, and meaningless.Unfortunately, small talk is a necessary evil when you’re meeting people. It’s a way to break the ice and slowly let down barriers while you build trust.But small talk doesn’t elicit strong community bonds.One builds a stronger community when they get into deeper conversation.So when I watched this Ted talk by Kalina, I was intrigued.She introduces the concept of Big Talk, in contrast to small talk. With Big Talk, you focus on deeper and meaningful conversations.The point of Big Talk is to inspire real conversations. In order for questions to qualify, they must meet three criteria:
- Meaningful: thought-provoking
- Universal: any human can answer it
- Open-ended: elicits a story (not just yes or no)
In her video, she goes up to strangers and asks them, “What do you want to do before you die?”She receives a wide array of answers from a variety of people.People of all ages and backgrounds shared their experiences. They talked about spending more time with their family and what they hoped to accomplish.Talking about their experiences led them to feel closer to each other.It inspired me to Big Talk as well.I’d much rather have a meaningful conversation with someone rather than small talk. When I do, I feel so much closer to people.
Why is this important?
Having close relationships has a direct effect on our mental health and wellbeing.Humans are social creatures. When you’re intimate with someone, it induces the love hormone oxytocin.Oxytocin is associated with trust and relationship building. It’s a feel-good hormone that allows you to have deeper relationships with others.By having meaningful conversations, your body releases oxytocin and you form a bond with the other person.
Those with deeper social connections experience lower rates of anxiety and depression.They also experience higher self-esteem, are more empathic to others, and are more trusting and cooperative.
How to do it
As long as your question meets the three criteria above (universal, meaningful, open-ended), you have free range to Big Talk.Here’s a starter list of questions to kickstart your own Big Talk conversations.
- What are you most afraid of?
- What do you want to do before you die?
- What do you hope to achieve in five years?
- What if you found out you were going to die tomorrow?
- What were you doing the last time you lost track of time?
- What don’t you spend enough time doing?
- What is your number one priority today?
- What makes you feel really alive?
- How do you show love?
You can even buy the full card game here. It includes 88 personal questions that foster connection.
Final thoughts
Having Big Talk is essential to forming meaningful relationships with others.It’s hard allowing yourself to be open and vulnerable, but the positive effects outweigh the negative.You’ll start to feel better about yourself when you have strong communal ties.You can do it with strangers to create bonds, and you can do it with existing family and friends to deepen bonds.Whichever way you choose to do it, you’re benefitting both parties.Choose to Big Talk and change your world.
